Big fan of Jeffrey Archer …. till he hit the crime road & landed in prison! While I applauded his spirit of making the most of a situation, could not bring myself to read his prison stories. Jail depresses me (yeah right, like all of you dig prison!) & conjures up images of mean jailors & poor inmates (ok I know they committed a crime & all that, but still …) doing hard core labor!! Why do only jailbirds break ‘pathar’, in stark quarries, (at least they do so in Indian movies – my Bible for life), always with the sun beating down on them relentlessly. There’s always that one old guy who pathetically squawks for “paani”, watched unsympathetically by the smirking, evil jailor!! As I said, with no personal experience, this is my take on what goes on behind those grim gates! Don’t judge me, but have always nurtured this weird desire to take a tiffin carrier to someone in jail …. ‘pitaji, main aapke liye khaanaa laayi hoon’ ‘Father (meaning my real dad, not God!) forgive me!’ Ok, ok, I know I need to go into rehab to shake off this ‘philmi fever!’
But this morning I was catching the news on NDTV & there was a feature on this guy frying scrumptious looking vadas & samosas …. guess where????? Jaws open, I learnt that this was a scene from some prison in Rajamundry, of all places! The chef was this prisoner, committed for murder! This was a happy sight, resembling a cookery show, rather than a jail tale! We had the murderer efficiently stuffing samosas along with his assistants (crime not described!) …. more bizarre were visitors to the jail who not only purchased these tasty jail-bites, but one ecstatic old middle aged man even excitedly described how he was going to take a ‘parcel’ home!!
Oh my Gawd, what happened to those ‘rock breaking’ tortured jail birds?! No wonder Jeff (as in Jeffrey Archer!) had so much to write about ….
Suddenly, again philmi ishtyle, had a flashback moment – I worked at this institute in Sohar. The head of my department was this solid, seemingly upright citizen type of a guy! What did I know??? Apparently, with no license, he decided to head out for a joy ride in his friend’s car. His bad luck - there was a deo spray left in the car & the sweltering heat caused it to explode mid street! Immdly the cops got on to the case, discovered our license-less hero & promptly put him behind bars!
At the institute, we heard the story with horror & worried about our boss’s well being. We imagined him battered, bruised & utterly traumatized! So don’t blame me for feeling a little cheated when the star of the hour sauntered into the institute, looking fresh as a daisy & unreasonably upbeat!
He settled back in his seat with all of us crowded around him – reminded me of my grandmother & one of her story telling sessions! Back to ‘Oru Quaidiyin diary!” He breezily described his night out & one wondered whether he was talking about his prison cell, or a deluxe suite at a 5 star hotel! The crowning glory was when he boasted “I got separate cell, with newspaper”! U almost felt like committing a crime, just for the pleasure of going behind bars & if u were really good, u would be offered perks like “separate cell with newspaper”!
Some more prison prattle …. we were horrified to hear that one of our neighbors had been sentenced to three months imprisonment in Oman – the poor guy was only guilty of being stupid! A chemical engineer, on a flight from Cal to Muscat , he was carrying some chemicals required at his factory plant. Unfortunately for him, at the Muscat airport, the bottle containing the chemical cracked, leaked a little & reacted with the atmosphere to create a mini kind of explosion.
Believe it or not, he was booked under the terrorist act & before he knew it, was spending three months in jail. Every time we drove up to Muscat & went past those scary looking wired walls of the Oman Prison, a shiver went up my spine.
Fast fwd to three months later, when he given a hero’s welcome by his community. Armed with sympathy & wise words of counsel, to help him cope with this distressing experience, we went to visit him, expecting to meet a shattered & broken spirit … but, there was the object of our sympathy, grinning from ear to ear, glowing like a neon bulb & fit as a fiddle! Contrary to our expectations, he gushed about how for the first time in his life, he had the time to exercise & walk away the calories! Was he talking about a spa or jail??? But this was just the tip of the iceberg – he accused his poor wife of having fed him mustard oil soaked ‘maach’ & sugar laden rosogollas & longingly described how, ‘back in jail’, they were offered ‘low fat’ versions of everything, yoghurt, milk & u name it! He then regretfully announced that ‘so far, so good’, but worried about how he was going to sustain this gift of fitness & well being he had been blessed with, now that he was out in the ruthless, unhealthy & unfit world!
For all the fat people huddled around him (yours truly included), he offered hope & inspiration. All one had to do was to hit the crime route, ensuring it was worthy of a decent stint behind bars & say hello to a ‘fighting fit’ life! When did a jail sentence become aspirational???!!!
From regretting plodding through “Papillion”, a horrifying book on one of the most frightening prisons ever & suffering nightmares as an aftermath, to pleasantly dreaming of a jail break, this fat girl has come a long way!!!
But this morning I was catching the news on NDTV & there was a feature on this guy frying scrumptious looking vadas & samosas …. guess where????? Jaws open, I learnt that this was a scene from some prison in Rajamundry, of all places! The chef was this prisoner, committed for murder! This was a happy sight, resembling a cookery show, rather than a jail tale! We had the murderer efficiently stuffing samosas along with his assistants (crime not described!) …. more bizarre were visitors to the jail who not only purchased these tasty jail-bites, but one ecstatic old middle aged man even excitedly described how he was going to take a ‘parcel’ home!!
Oh my Gawd, what happened to those ‘rock breaking’ tortured jail birds?! No wonder Jeff (as in Jeffrey Archer!) had so much to write about ….
Suddenly, again philmi ishtyle, had a flashback moment – I worked at this institute in Sohar. The head of my department was this solid, seemingly upright citizen type of a guy! What did I know??? Apparently, with no license, he decided to head out for a joy ride in his friend’s car. His bad luck - there was a deo spray left in the car & the sweltering heat caused it to explode mid street! Immdly the cops got on to the case, discovered our license-less hero & promptly put him behind bars!
At the institute, we heard the story with horror & worried about our boss’s well being. We imagined him battered, bruised & utterly traumatized! So don’t blame me for feeling a little cheated when the star of the hour sauntered into the institute, looking fresh as a daisy & unreasonably upbeat!
He settled back in his seat with all of us crowded around him – reminded me of my grandmother & one of her story telling sessions! Back to ‘Oru Quaidiyin diary!” He breezily described his night out & one wondered whether he was talking about his prison cell, or a deluxe suite at a 5 star hotel! The crowning glory was when he boasted “I got separate cell, with newspaper”! U almost felt like committing a crime, just for the pleasure of going behind bars & if u were really good, u would be offered perks like “separate cell with newspaper”!
Some more prison prattle …. we were horrified to hear that one of our neighbors had been sentenced to three months imprisonment in Oman – the poor guy was only guilty of being stupid! A chemical engineer, on a flight from Cal to Muscat , he was carrying some chemicals required at his factory plant. Unfortunately for him, at the Muscat airport, the bottle containing the chemical cracked, leaked a little & reacted with the atmosphere to create a mini kind of explosion.
Believe it or not, he was booked under the terrorist act & before he knew it, was spending three months in jail. Every time we drove up to Muscat & went past those scary looking wired walls of the Oman Prison, a shiver went up my spine.
Fast fwd to three months later, when he given a hero’s welcome by his community. Armed with sympathy & wise words of counsel, to help him cope with this distressing experience, we went to visit him, expecting to meet a shattered & broken spirit … but, there was the object of our sympathy, grinning from ear to ear, glowing like a neon bulb & fit as a fiddle! Contrary to our expectations, he gushed about how for the first time in his life, he had the time to exercise & walk away the calories! Was he talking about a spa or jail??? But this was just the tip of the iceberg – he accused his poor wife of having fed him mustard oil soaked ‘maach’ & sugar laden rosogollas & longingly described how, ‘back in jail’, they were offered ‘low fat’ versions of everything, yoghurt, milk & u name it! He then regretfully announced that ‘so far, so good’, but worried about how he was going to sustain this gift of fitness & well being he had been blessed with, now that he was out in the ruthless, unhealthy & unfit world!
For all the fat people huddled around him (yours truly included), he offered hope & inspiration. All one had to do was to hit the crime route, ensuring it was worthy of a decent stint behind bars & say hello to a ‘fighting fit’ life! When did a jail sentence become aspirational???!!!
From regretting plodding through “Papillion”, a horrifying book on one of the most frightening prisons ever & suffering nightmares as an aftermath, to pleasantly dreaming of a jail break, this fat girl has come a long way!!!
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