I proposed, they disposed!

I love being a trophy wife;

Feminists (advance apologies, young Anu Santhanam!) are going to make voodoo dolls of me & stick pins into every available space! A student of economics, I subscribe to Adam Smith’s theory of “Division of Labor (DOL)” – my shaadi is a tribute to DOL, where my husband & I divide our responsibilities equally; he earns & I spend!!!

Don’t get me wrong – loved every moment of my mazdoori days – great colleagues, fun clients, the pay slip…. but was equally ecstatic about hanging up my career shoes & living a life of decadence, doing nothing! But there’s many a slip b/w the cup and the lip; the well meaning society around me, scoffed at my dreams of an idyllic, wasteful lifestyle!

“What will you do sitting at home?” they cried in horror! Facebook, some faltu writing, reading, watching movies, travelling …. apparently not enough reason to while away your time – helplessly watched my dreams slipping away & I was no longer mistress of my destiny; suddenly groups of determined women emerged out of nowhere (I guess I had been blissfully slaving at my job &S had no time to realize their existence!) to rescue the ‘poor, bored housewife’ – my fervent pleas that I was not, fell on stubborn, deaf ears:
 The Samaj Sevaks: I was summoned for high tea by this bunch of zealous ladies & told that I had to pay my dues to the community! Felt like my debut, my coming out ceremony & I could sense critical gazes analyzing my every move. Apparently, despite spilling scalding coffee on my outfit & committing the crime of addressing the senior citizen of the group as ‘aunty’, I passed muster & was graciously informed that I would be given the post of secretary of the “Ladies Association” – when I had the temerity to ask what my responsibilities would be, I got some glassy glares & taking pity on me, one of the kinder souls told me, that as a reward, they would throw in a couple of children’s fancy dress & recitation competitions for me to judge, to boost my morale!! How could one refuse that, but I weakly said that I would consult my husband (I always use him to get out of tricky situations!) & get back to them!
 The Satsang Sisters: these babes are formidable! They sniff you out, taunt your heathen lifestyle, throw you a bone by accepting that maybe having a full time job prevented you from fulfilling your religious duties, but aaj ke baad, no excuses!!! Believe me, cross my heart & hope to die; there is a parallel universe out there – from bhajan groups, to shloka classes, chanting, prayer meetings …. All very spiritual & noble, but I am one of life’s incorrigible ‘purana paapis’! Plus, you have to sit cross legged on the cold floor for ages for these sessions, my chubby knees protest & my stomach makes rumbling, hungry noises! There is one Guruji in town, who is always narrating stories about some wicked ladies, who were not God fearing & met with horrific ends & I am convinced that these anecdotes with a moral at the end, are meant for bad ‘ole me; I have a one-to-one, fun, private relationship with the Maker, so am now wasting my ‘doing nothing’ time ducking out of sight of the ‘Satsang Sisters!’
 The Kitty Cats: Now these parties are fun affairs, spilling with bindaas babes, who get together & have a blast! There is money collected & a winner is declared every month, but I am happy with banks & my husband! Apparently they sing, dance & make merry – even prepare songs & dance to them! How cool, but the thought of myself croaking out maybe “Sheela ke Jawani” & doing the Katrina moves, chilled me to the bone – what if someone taped it? That could be blackmail material, so I politely purred in refusal! Did I hear strains of "Munni badnaam hui ....?!"

Sapna mera, toot gaya …

dodging these bullets weakened my spirit & I limped back to picking up free lance work; I proposed, a life of wasteful nothings & these fierce female fraternities firmly disposed my dreams!

Aishwariya Rai Bachchan - weighty woes!

What’s inspiring about a fat lady waiting for a bus – “Moti”vating!!!

Thank God I am an ordinary, run of the mill, fat lady, who can crack jokes about ‘gundu’ women!

I count my blessings, that I have a delusional spouse, who knew me when I thin as a pin & today claims, that ‘there’s simply more of me’ to love!

I am grateful for daughter dearest, who valiantly claims, that all mothers are meant to be plump, so that they have soft bodies to cuddle up to!

A heartfelt thank you to Photoshop – where I slice off more than half the body fat, before posting pictures!

But most of all, I am so happy that I am not Aishwariya Rai!

Rewind to the time she was the toast of Bollywood, Oprah’s favorite Indian, the most beautiful woman in the world, the Bachchan bahu … this blue eyed, giggly Ms World, could do no wrong; apart from her soul piercing giggle & fake accent, ie!

Then Beti-S happened – the world questioned why Grand-“Paa” & not “Paa” carried Aradhaya out of the hospital, the images of sasur-bahu images were splashed all over the media, serious TV reporters were reduced to a messy mush, excitedly declaring that India had her legit ‘First Baby’ … & all hoped that they would live happily ever after & we the people, could move on with our lives!

Apparently not! Oprah Winfrey landed in town & the glitterati of Mumbai went into a tizzy, behaving like star struck teenagers! Madam O swooped down on the Bachchan household, for a private unveiling of the little princess & ceremoniously escorted Ash out for her debut outing, as “Aaradhya ki Maa”! All hell broke loose as the media went hysterical at the sight of “Mummy Aishwariya” who had, how do you put it, become quite healthy!

Ms Bachchan Jr now hit the headlines, but for the wrong reasons! Outraged reactions ranged from “OMG”, to “how could she” to eyes rolled in horror, articles on how Aishwariya had let herself go & let down a nation, videos tracking her weight graph …. remembered gratefully the time when I emerged as the fat lady – huge enough to having my own stall at a travelling circus - the worst reaction was from my uncle, who fondly told me that I had become so gundu, I looked liked Jayalalitha!

The other day, NDTV, a leading news channel, had a discussion on why the nation was more concerned about Aishawariya Rai becoming fat, than a non-functioning Government, kidnappings by the Maoists, child labor, the upcoming Presidential elections …

Sure, being overweight is far from “healthy” (a hilarious term used by Punjabis to describe fat people – the number of times my ‘health’ has been toasted by my well meaning Punju friends!); yes, we like our celebrities to be fit, slim & un’healthy’! No doubt, Ash baby looks like a giant shadow of her former ‘dhoom’ self!

But isn’t being overweight a personal choice? There are kinder souls who say that the poor little (dare I say that?!) Ms Bachchan is simply enjoying playing “mommy” & can’t be bothered with diet-shiets, or working out. To give our feisty former Ms World credit, she seems oblivious & blissfully unaware of the storm she is creating & trots out to various events, cloaked in tent like “Anarkali’ suits, which are supposed to hide her bulk.

The argument is that she’s in the glamour business & needs to look good. Yep, but she is on maternity leave right now, people. No movies have been signed, no endorsements snapped up, but even if they were, who are we to judge? If someone’s willing to shell out the big bucks to take her on, or use her for any commercial purposes, the risk is theirs, not ours! Comparisons have been made with Hollywood Mamas like Beyonce, Victoria Beckham, Heidi Klum & a host of others, who have magically shed their pregnancy weight & swung right back into action. Kudos to these hot mamas – how do they do it?! But then comparisons are odious!

It’s all about choice! Let Ash & her famous phamily worry; Aby Baby says he is having the time of his life with his two gals; anyway, he has other worries, like his sinking career, to ‘weigh’ him down! Pa is still dotty about Bahu-A & is even to planning to start a university in UP in her name!

Reality check, doston; while we waste precious time chewing our nails about her being overweight, it is Madam A, in the eye of the storm, who is laughing all the way to the bank … fat & all, she still makes it to magazine covers, over young starlets with hot bodies, gets the best endorsement deals in town! Her life, her decision, her priorities … yehi hai right choice, Aby Ki Baby!