The predicament of the compliment!

I modestly declare that we Tam-Brahms are a humble lot – as ‘umble as Uriah Heep, in ‘David Copperfield’!

The humility doesn’t come from a Tamizh Brahmin DNA strain. TB’s are not born ‘umble, you have to become ‘umble – from years of conditioning & practice, emerges a fine, unassuming Tam Brahm specimen, who has no illusions about himself/herself.

I can imagine our TB ancestors at Boot Camp of sorts, where the desire to pay a compliment, is stomped ruthlessly out of you!

There are many things which a Tam-Brahm can do. But while there is nothing that ‘Rajni-Can’t’ do, there is, shocker, something that nammu Tam-Brahm sucks at. So ‘Pappu can’t dance’ & the TB cannot pay a compliment!

Once upon a time, I skipped home with my report card & happily presented it to my parents, unfortunately, in the presence of the rest of the family. I was rather proud (I was young & uninitiated into the TB way of modest living then!) of my marks in English & History. But the report card was yanked out of my hands by the Senior of the family, who through practice & determination, had perfected the ‘Tam-Brahm-Vision”, which allows your eyes to blank out everything else, except Math marks. He scornfully read out my disgraceful performance in the only subject recognised by any self respecting TB & I learnt the first TB doctrine of life – ‘Only those who get ‘Centum’ in Math, get ‘Cent’ to heaven! Ah well, while the climate is supposed to be awesome in Heaven, I believe the company rocks in my future home – hell!!!

The meek, unassuming TB did not happen overnight. Many layers of complex conditioning go towards the moulding of one modest Brahmin. Every family has their own modus operandi, but the goal is one & the same! My kudumbam’s signature training technique was the Group Insult Method!

An ‘umble illustration – Kalyanams/Shaadis are locations where this method thrives. No matter how early you try to make it for a family wedding (ours are mainly at unearthly morning muhurtams), the core committee, representing the family, always gets there before you & are seated strategically, at a vantage point to attack on entry, without warning.

So unsuspecting (till you get wiser) souls like my siblings & I, with our reluctant & sleepy off springs, fall right into the trap ... Greetings vary from a charming, “OMG, you have become so fat”, “Why have you cut your hair so short? You look like a German soldier”, “Looks like you have forgotten how to wear a sari”, to “Your daughter can’t speak Tamizh properly” to “She doesn’t know how to eat in an ‘elai” .... All this said, with grim smiles, affectionate hugs, warm looks ... it’s an art form!

With all your confidence, sense of well being & assurance knocked out of you, you stand before them, vulnerable, exposed & ashamed. A few more such sessions (because we are suckers for punishment) & voila, emerges the Humble Tam-Brahm for life!

This is a thorough lot – so there are refresher courses at regular intervals. Tools are many – in my case, my offspring was used to highlight the importance of being humble!

On a visit to an aunt’s place, she surprisingly received my daughter well & complimented her on her “long, thick, shiny hair” – I was in the seventh heaven of ecstasy; at last, some praise! But my joy was short-lived, as she proceeded, with a puzzled look & wondered aloud – “How come you have such nice hair? You couldn’t have got it from your mother (yours truly!), because she has such thin, short hair!!

An uncle, who heard my mother gush (the most non-committal TB moms, like my Amma, make gushing grand moms!) about her granddaughter’s academic abilities, remarked firmly, “Must have got that ability from Uma’s husband’s side of the family, because, duh, Uma was not very good at studies!” Hallelujah, one refreshed & humbled TB ponnu!

My husband used to be a fascinated & engaged spectator, full of admiration for my phamily’s blunt honesty & commitment to the cause at hand. Until, he achieved the near impossible – acceptance from the family, which meant that they would be gracious to invest their ‘humbling’ skills on the ‘Maapillai’. Again, daughter dearest, who had grown taller, was greeted with, “Oh, how nice & tall you have become. We were really worried, because you see, your father is so short!”

I had one outraged, indignant husband on my hands, but the ‘glass is half full’ way of looking at it is that, it was a moment in his life, when he was upgraded, from son-in-law, to son of the family!

We weathered that storm, earned our ‘Humble Tamizh Brahmin’ stripes & now look forward to the day, when our now almost adult daughter, will be initiated, into that evolved group! Somewhere, in a far away land, is our innocent & uninitiated jigar-ka-tukda, unsuspecting of what lies ahead!

The Mommy Manual!

‘The Mommy Manual!’

• The Mom-Contract makes you sign off any rights to privacy. From sitting on the pot, with a pair of eyes gleaming curiously watching & wondering , ‘so what’s the crazy lady called ‘Mama’, doing now’, to your laptop, passwords, email, facebook, bags, telephone conversations ... becoming public property! Try protesting & you get a bewildered, “but what can you have to hide?!!” By the way, the vice versa doth not apply!!!
• X-ray vision – Mandatory for the Mom Job: that black lace top flung into the corner of the cupboard, the converse shoes lying unpacked & unforgotten, in the bag that went for a sleepover, the brand new watch, left on the bathroom counter, the phone on silent mode, snugly safe in a tiny clutch purse, which, hallelujah, found its way under the bed ... of course your offspring looked everywhere, of course it ‘aint there AND of course, it’s somehow your fault , because you must have rearranged the cupboard, or put it somewhere else! Use your super powers as Mom to unearth lost treasures & all you get is, “You must have put it there!”

• Daddy needs his beauty sleep, but Mama Owl has to remain wide awake, 24x7! Maa duties include getting strange messages, at 2am (no allowances for time difference!) asking, “Hey, I am doing my laundry & does the colour of my new pink pyjamas run?”

• Mommy hood is a one way street; Thou shalt always make the first move, call, message, text ... once in a rare blue moon, the mom in you gets rebellious & decides to keep silent for a change, hoping that maybe then, you’ll will hear from the ‘one-who-never-calls’! No luck & you eat humble pie & call & go into a massive guilt trip, when daughter dearest complains - “Haven’t heard from you in ages (translate to one evening!). Guess you were busy!!!” Your mom heart will melt & explode with regret at having put your offspring through such trauma!
• Fear the few times you get that message saying, “Call me!” Moms must come fitted with shock/bad-news-absorbers! So unfortunate tidings of a lost phone, laptop being stolen (yes, this mother of a university going kid has seen/heard it all!), extravagant splurge ... Mom always hears it first! My one & only daughter, insists that ‘Papa is easy going & cool, but Mom is high-maintenance!” But still, upon HM Mom (High Maintenance Mom, duh!!!) is bestowed the rare honour, of being served fresh, piping hot bad news! The breezy explanation is that she knows you will first freak, flip, yell, rave & scream like a fisher woman & then, revert with a solution – that’s a backhanded compliment & convoluted praise, btw, even if you don’t recognise it at first!!!

• Doing laundry & ironing – once you have gone through a suitcase full of dirty clothes, needing to be washed & ready by the next day, to pack for the family vacation, you can do anything! Planning to use my washing & ironing skills, to start a laundry service called, ‘Amma Dry Cleaners’ - because no one washes & irons like Mom does!’

The Mom Job: no salary, zero benefits, no retirement..... phir bhi, the best thing that happened to me. It made this cynical, hard-hearted soul , experience strange emotions like fierce love, which makes you feel your heart is going to explode all the time, weep uncontrollably when Beti S delivered her Valedictorian Speech, much to her horror & utter humiliation, cover the walls of Casa Kaushik, with pictures of her as a baby, much to her disgust, with special objection to the photograph of her stark naked & when she comes home from university, which is saat samundar paar, creepily stalk her & find bliss in just gazing at her sleeping peacefully, under your roof!

Motherhood – the only place where you can experience heaven & hell at the same time!

The Facebook Commandments!

The other day, a friend of mine, a relative newcomer to Facebook, seemed puzzled & confused. She was hurt, that she posted such witty, clever, funny stuff (& she is genuinely hilarious!) & no one responded!

Being the Senior Citizen on Facebook, I sat her down, like a wise old man & asked her, whether she took the trouble to read other people's posts /updates & if she so, did she also comment, appreciate & offer an opinion?
She confessed that she really didn't.

So I sat the newcomer down (that she is past 50 didn't matter; it is the Facebook years that count!) & introduced her to the...

'Facebook Commandments!
'

• Thou shalt comment occasionally, to let the other person know you care!

• Thou shalt at least 'Like', if you can't 'Comment', because all Facebookers need that TLC to keep 'em warm!

• Thou may allow yourself the luxury of not responding once in a while, but it is sacrilege to ignore posts of personal triumph, phamily stuff etc.

• Thou shalt express grief, but for heaven’s sake, do not 'like' posts about sorrow & loss!

• Thou shalt Never 'Comment' on anything on your offspring's page. You have been given the honour of being on her friend list & you don't want that privilege withdrawn! I am proud to report, that recently, after exemplary behaviour & displaying remarkable restraint, I was recently promoted on my daughter's page & granted a 'Like' allowance! Having subsequently 'Liked' fifty pics all at once, am on shaky ground currently!

• Thou shalt remember, that while you can carefully photoshop & adjust your pictures, to look hot, glowing & trimmer; you have no control over tagged photos, enthusiastically posted by friends, where you always look your scary worst!

• Thou shalt enjoy the silver lining, that while in the real world, you can't shut people up, facebook offers you hope, with that sinfully delicious option called 'Delete'!

• Thou will realiseth that breaking up on facebook is a dream - you simply 'Unfriend'!!! A heady experience, I must add! In our 'jawani-diwani' phase on facebook, every time I had a fight with my husband, I 'unfriended' him & he had to worm his way back to my list! Till the clever facebook janta caught on & knew exactly when the Kaushiks fought & made up.... not that anyone really cared!!!

• Thou shalt work, parent, cook, clean.... but you must NEVER be late for Facebook! I am proud to say that recently, I have been awarded 'Punctuality' points by facebook & a certificate, personally signed by Marc Zuckerberg, which holds pride of place on the walls of my humble abode!

Facebook Wisdom:

Say what you want (no one can beat you up on Facebook!);

Be who you want (no one will know the truth!);

Look the way you want (Photoshop & the 'crop' key to trim off the ugly portions of your hips - zindabad & when people on Planet Earth actually see you, face to face, they won't recognise you!!!);

The only entertainment expenses will be your internet bills;

Be the change you want to see on Planet Facebook!

Where the mind is without fear & the head is held high,
Into that heaven of Facebook, let my friends awake!!