Diary of an empty-nester - curtain raiser!

The secret behind my cheerful, stress free outlook towards life?!
The politically correct answer is eating wisely, working out regularly & drinking lots of water …
Confession – BS!!!
As the mother of a helpless & hapless 19 year old, let me tell you, its all about releasing your toxins – a 24x7 routine of nagging, threatening, cajoling, warning & screaming at your kids, helps get rid of all the excess poison in your system, brings a healthy glow to your skin, keeps your jaw muscles well lubricated & bonus is that its all legitimate – I mean, I wouldn’t be a good parent, would I, if I was calm, composed & took everything in my stride???!!!

C’mon gals, we have our reputations to protect – crabby, ill tempered, hyper … I chose to believe that my family wouldn’t have it any other way. One rare morning, I got up on the wrong side of the bed, with the resolution to be serene, peaceful & non-violent! Mahatma Gandhi would have been proud of me! But my ungrateful husband and daughter worried that I was burdened by some deep, dark secret or was majorly unwell & therefore subdued. When they repeatedly pestered me to tell them what the problem was, I exploded, screamed at them for not realizing that I was trying to shrug off the shackles of being a wife/mom & attempting to find inner peace & balance! When they had stopped laughing hysterically at me attempting a “Buddha’ act, relief was expressed that I was back to doing what I was good at – being “mean mom’!
So they say, you can’t buy respect, you’ve gotta earn it – ‘mean mom’, like Rome, didn’t happen in a day!
From rewind mode, let’s cut to the present – a new worry irks me! With daughter dearest, all set to fly the nest & head to the Queen’s land for university, (the anticipated bliss at the prospect of a parent-less universe, has to be seen to be believed!) I need to get my act together & earnestly search for a new stress buster! For Shiksha, we will be those eager, shiny faces that will haunt her on skype & who need to be kept reasonably happy, to facilitate unlimited use of that shiny plastic thingy called a credit card!
“And then there were two”!

Action Replay

Public warning:
*Would advise a healthy state of intoxication before you head for Action Replay
*Wearing your designer glares maybe a good idea too, because the colors of the movie & the sets blind you – some scenes looked like kids in playschool went crayon crazy!
*You may need some soothing eye lotion 2, to deal with constantly having to look at a very ugly Akshay Kumar, in his nerd avatar! I apologized to my ‘do aankhein’ & spectacles at the end of the movie!
Breaking News!
Everyone ages, even Abhishek & more important, Amit ji’s dahling Ash!
Don’t get me wrong! Humaari Ms World of fake accent fame, is still drop dead gorgeous! But now, the 37years show & she looks like a beautiful 30+++++++ babe!
Dances like a dream, as usual & looks hawtt in the ‘zor ka jhatka’ number – kya gaana hai! I wanted to get up in the near empty theatre & dance to the foot-tapping Daler Paa-ji (wot amazing pipes!) & Richa Sharma number!
The oldies of the Kapoor Khandaan are suddenly cropping up like mushrooms everywhere – this time Randhir Kapoor – he looks old anyway, so why the grotesque budhha scientist wig & ponytail? Just in case we are too dumb to understand who he is, his grand-daughter (I think she is the babe from the original Diwali Damas ads) insists on calling her grandpa, well, ‘grandpa!’
For all you ‘Back to the Future’ fans, here’s the desi version – not bad, but could have been better!
This rewind to the 70’s doesn’t have the passion & insanity of Farah Khan’s ‘Om Shanti Om!’ A brave effort at the most, ok time pass, but total paisa vasool – won’t go that far!
Akshay Kumar – 100 out of 100 for effort, but there was kuch missing tha – was it that he was trying too hard?
Ash Rai Bachhan – goes through the motions, dresses the part, but looks distracted & distant – probably wondering whether she should hold Abhishek or Pa’s hand, or both, to walk the red carpet at the next Bollywood event!
Will take my cue from the reloaded, recharged & renewed Akshay Kumar’s signature line – will keep my ‘awaaz neechey’ about liking “Action Replay”
Sorry Daler Paa-ji, but no ‘zor ka jhatka’ here!

no 'zor ka jhatka!'

Public warning:
*Would advise a healthy state of intoxication before you head for 'Action Replay!'
*Wearing your designer glares maybe a good idea too, because the colors of the movie & the sets blind you – some scenes looked like kids in playschool went crayon crazy!
*You may need some soothing eye lotion too, to deal with constantly having to look at a very ugly Akshay Kumar, in his nerd avatar! I apologized to my ‘do aankhein’ & spectacles at the end of the movie!


Breaking News!

Everyone ages, even Abhishek & more important, Amit ji’s dahling Ash!
Don’t get me wrong! Humaari Ms World of fake accent fame, is still drop dead gorgeous! But now, the 37years show & she looks like a beautiful 30+++++++ babe!

Dances like a dream, as usual & looks hawtt in the ‘zor ka jhatka’ number – kya gaana hai! I wanted to get up in the near empty theatre & dance to the foot-tapping Daler Paa-ji (wot amazing pipes!) & Richa Sharma number!

The oldies of the Kapoor Khandaan are suddenly cropping up like mushrooms everywhere – this time Randhir Kapoor – he looks old anyway, so why the grotesque budhha scientist wig & ponytail? Just in case we are too dumb to understand who he is, his grand-daughter (I think she is the babe from the original Diwali Damas ads) insists on calling her grandpa, well, ‘grandpa!’

For all you ‘Back to the Future’ fans, here’s the desi version – not bad, but could have been better!

This rewind to the 70’s doesn’t have the passion & insanity of Farah Khan’s ‘Om Shanti Om!’ A brave effort at the most, ok time pass, but total paisa vasool – won’t go that far!

Akshay Kumar – 100 out of 100 for effort, but there was kuch missing tha – was it that he was trying too hard?

Ash Rai Bachhan – goes through the motions, dresses the part, but looks distracted & distant – probably wondering whether she should hold Abhishek or Pa’s hand, or both, to walk the red carpet at the next Bollywood event!

Will take my cue from the reloaded, recharged & renewed Akshay Kumar’s signature line – will keep my ‘awaaz neechey’ about liking “Action Replay”

Sorry Daler Paa-ji, but no ‘zor ka jhatka’ here!

of this & that ...

Of this & that ….

Move over PC Sorcar – here comes Ramalinga Raju, the most awesome magician, who made crores disappear & got the whole nation playing ‘treasure hunt!’ Yeah,right - 'dhoondtey reh jaogey!'

Then comes this news clip that Raju & his partners-in-crime have been granted special privileges in jail – separate toilet, ghar-ka-khaana, newspaper, magazines, television …..

After all he is not your common hard-core criminal who murdered a few, or robbed a bank, or …. this man of ‘special needs’ merely ruined the lives of lakhs of people, sent the economy into a tizzy & permanently damaged India’s image globally!

Don’t murder, arson & loot seem very mundane & dull???!! So these run-of-the-mill, commonplace criminals have to pee in front of prying eyes, line up for prison food & do whatever u do in jail – thanx to Indian movies, I know you break rocks & stones in large merciless quarries, watched over by a ruthless prison warden!

And what will Raju be doing?? Gorging on home food & watching movies – I am guessing, “Satyam Shivam Scandalum’ , “Raju ban gaya Gentleman” "Oru kaithiyin diary", or "chori mera kaam"!!!

Point to ponder – if hard-core common crime gets you the worst prison terms, while the rich & in-famous, get phive star treatment, what will middle class folks like you & me deserve???!! Hmmmm …. if anyone’s listening & given the recession, I ultimately will have to resort to a life of felony, I vote for private toilet …. phuleeeeeez!!!

Talking of recession & hard times, here in the UAE, we continue to pay an arm, a leg & have to sell our souls to afford a roof over our heads. But I spy light at the end of a long dark tunnel, meri pyaari behnon! To promote the use of public transport, the Government is unleashing pink-buses on us – sorry guys, but this is only for us gals! Humble request – can we sleep in our rose colored carriages too, a la Cinderella & avoid rental woes!

life 'n laughs: Alvida 2008! Chalte chalte, mera yeh link, yaad rakhna ...

life 'n laughs: Alvida 2008! Chalte chalte, mera yeh link, yaad rakhna ...

Alvida 2008! Chalte chalte, mera yeh link, yaad rakhna ...

Albeit a little too late, a fond farewell to 2008.
Which despite some sad stuff, turned out kaafi great!

*This Bollywood fan discovered the modern “Mela” of life – where you re-unite with ‘bichdey’ parivaar & friends ….. FACEBOOK!! Where letters, phone calls, visits …. didn’t work, FB to the rescue – nephews, nieces, long lost saathis, young friends, all sprouted like fresh dhaniya & voila, we E-hugged & E-bonded! If u can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em on the parallel universe, FB!


*This year revealed the secret behind my karmic connection to the one, the only, the “historical”, hysterical Himesh Reshammmaiyyya …. his topi was shed & guess what; I realized that he & I shared the same hairstyle!!


*Adi Chops taught us to ‘dhoondo Rabb’ in our jodis – only problem is that my Suri Ji will have to contend with many Rabbs, given my ‘healthy’ proportions …. he can find Lakshmi, Parvathy, Saraswati, Durga …. ample space here for all of ‘em & more! A whole temple, in fact!

*The landmark US elections taught us that losers can be winners too … John McCain’s speech conceding defeat was so gracious & a real class act!


*Discovery of the year was that Barkha “Butt” of NDTV had feet of clay – how the mighty fell! Lots of valuable print space was wasted on her hotly defending herself – me thought the lady protested too much! With the bouquets come the brickbats, Ms Butt! Part of the territory, mere dost!


*Witnessed the grossest scene ever, in one of the coolest films of the year – Slumdog Millionaire! Gut-wrenching, hard-hitting, awesome & the happy, philmy ending is the icing on the cake! Back to the disgusting scene I was talking about – when the little boy jumps into a pool of crap …

*2008 also marked the end of a love affair – mine with 007! Yeah, yeah, Daniel Craig is hot, vulnerable & honest, but who the hell wants reality???! I miss the one-liners, the flirtatious ways, the womanizing, the oh-so-cool gadgets … & how can a Bond movie happen without “Bond, James Bond”???!



*Attained enlightenment on Rabb’s (the real God & not Suri Ji!) mysterious ways … like I have been whining about never having purchased a mobile phone of my own & sadly had to do with leftovers from beti & my Mister! But when I did finally buy an exciting, shiny, purple contraption, I just couldn’t get the hang of it … the latest in a series of mishaps by this clumsy Sagittarian was a sms “free to chat” meant for my “Chaathi Saathi” (bosom pal!) Nalini, which went out to all my contacts. Imagine the recipients of this msg ranged from my houseboy (whose ringtone is a romantic Tamizh song!), the laundry delivery man & the surly Chinese guy who sells us DVD’s! That’s why God didn’t want me to get a phone!!!!

*Finally understood that clichéd saying – When in Rome …
For the first time in my considerably long life, I went gold shopping by myself. With no ‘mummy’ (I am a loyal fan of Himesh Reshammmmaiyyyya!) or Kaushik-garu around, when the gold price dipped just before Diwali, yours truly rushed alone to the only gold shop open on a Friday morning – a Malayali outlet! There are a few rare times in my life when I count my blessings for being big … this was one of them! In a shop full of chattering, noisy men, buying gold like it was alu-tamattar, the store guys looked through my large looming presence like I didn’t exist. In a land of Malayalis, there was no room/time for the ‘non-Malayali’! When the shutters were half shut & I realized that time was running out on me, did something which amazes me even now as I write this – desperation is the mother of invention & innovation!
To my very bad Tamizh, I added a nasal twang & croaked out something like ‘nyaanu Pallakaadu’ or something! While I was taking a valiant shot in the dark, my newly acquired lingo had the effect of “Open Sesame”!! It worked & in no time I had a smiling Mallu salesman attending to me & I walked out of the store, a satisfied customer!

*Bid alvida to 2008 by ganging up with old friends, getting sloshed, playing a rowdy round of antakshari & trance dancing to Kishore Kumar numbers … the gen next, our yuva peedi, watched us with disgust & horror & locked themselves up ... the circle of life wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t completely disgrace yourself in front of your children! So where that’s concerned I can say, dhan dhana dhan, GOAL!

the birthday document!

Hi!
This was a birthday gift for Ashok who is not in town on D day. I realised that most of my girl-friends feel the same way about their husbands - we crib about 'em, grumble about things they dont do, moan & groan .... but deep down inside realise that life wouldn't have been the same without these guys - I mean, who would we fight with & play the blame game with?! Read on ...
Being nice is a tough act for me – it goes against my natural, mean, nasty persona which I am so comfortable with! Am petrified that a sweet disposition may lead to diabetes, which despite all the carbs & calories stacked in this bulky frame, I have miraculously escaped!

So call it Nature’s balancing act, the opposites attract syndrome or whatever, but Ashok represents my concession to sugar for the soul!

A twenty yr old relationship also spells twenty birthdays & having run through shirts, shoes, books, music, perfumes, ties ... my creative juices have dried up! We now have a very clinical, sensible, logical, fight-free formula for birthday presents - that that person chose their their gifts! We lay out our lists & civilly trot off to pick ‘apney’ presents! This new arrangement has lifted the dark cloud of mortal fear, uncertainty & a state of constant doubt for the better half. I am a restless, ungrateful soul & no present has ever achieved a state of total satisfaction! My birthday used to represent “Mission Impossible” for poor Kaushik-garu! Every gift was picked up diffidently, tentatively & the shop owner had to pledge that exchange was a done part of the deal!

If u have noticed a spring in his step & a trouble free glow on his pink cheeks, (no, he hasn’t started using men’s fairness creams, which for some reason, I find gross & funny!), it is thanx to our new & improved solution for b’day gifts!

Yeah, yeah, we are sticking to the ‘list’ – what’s with guys & blue jeans – especially the Ashok kinds who are traditional, have worn the same style forever & cannot think beyond Levis ?? So come Dec 6, and the jeans in the household will have a newcomer to welcome – any subtle difference in the shade of blue gets washed away in my tagda whirlpool, & we will soon boast triplets (of the jeans kind!) like Farha Khan!!

But in some remote corner of my heart, lying dormant was this niggling desire to spring a birthday surprise … so Ashok, preserve this, put it under lock and key, make many copies ….. here I am for the first time in prose, acknowledging, grudgingly no doubt, reluctantly definitely, but nevertheless, my gratitude for all your birthdays, particularly the inaugural one (would have loved to have been around to witness the next few birthdays when your mom, who was upset at you turning up as the third in a string of boys, decided to battle with nature & dressed you in girls clothes!!! What a treat that would’ve been!). Pushing aside the mountain of fights, grievances, tantrums, threats of ‘main maaikey chali jaaoongi, tum dekhte rahiyo’ (never put it to the test though – what if he ‘dekhoed’ happily & moved on???) … I declare –‘tu hi re, tere bina main kaise jiyoon’ …. (Gawd, this is getting saccharine ‘n sickening – may need insulin shot!)

*We are adept at moving about in the darkness thanx to the fact that you’ll never change a bulb in time, or I may fracture my foot again in the slippery bathroom, which boasts a washing machine with magic qualities – only I can see that the pipe leaks!
*While I grumble but live with the above, can’t imagine life without your insane sms msgs ranging from a cheery, for no reason “Jai Bajrang Bali!”, or “Radhey Radhey!” to mysterious codes like “Black Dog calling White Cat!” There are times when Shiksha and I just read your msgs & crack up with laughter!
*That balancing act we were talking about – sure I can remember the lyrics for almost every song since the beginning of time …. But sadly, these lungs were made for shouting, not singing! Someone up there decided to send u to deliver music to those be-jaan words! Hate to admit this, but u are right, buster – in our perennial argument of words vs sur, the latter rules! Bonus I guess is Shiksha – she can sing like you, but actually knows the lyrics as well!
*Happy Birthday to the best bitch buddy ever – who else would I dissect, analyse, comment, criticize & gossip wickedly with, about every living moment of life!
*U Tarzan, me Jane (many Janes actually, considering the size!)- for accepting me ‘in sickness, and in health’ – my current ‘sickness’ is to imitate a child’s voice & loudly scream ‘khaana jaldi laao, bhaiyya, bahut bhookh lagi hai!’ while Ashok is on the phone placing an order for home delivery! Picture the scene, Ashok poker face, talking on the phone, me screeching away in my baby voice & Shiksha giggling hysterically! It is left to poor Tarzan to face delivery guys who land up at our doorstep with a look of fascinated horror!
*Nature sent u as the perfect foil for the drama queen in yours truly – you have learnt to deal, with a huge pinch of salt, all my threats of dying & coming back as a ‘bhooth’ to check if your second wife is treating Shiksha well! Of course, unlike her seedha dad, our wicked daughter spots an opportunity there too and is waiting for my ‘ghost’ avtaar to help out with exam papers, torturing people who piss her off, shop-lifting …
*My rambling jottings under ‘life n laughs’ epitomizes our journey together - that’s us, a life full of laughs & here’s to many more – Happy Birthday!!